The physical feeling of unease that comes from spending each day unsure of what you want anymore. The mental exhaustion that comes with grasping for anything you can. The emotional fog of wondering when you’ll feel “normal” again.
There’s a particular sidewalk in a San Francisco neighborhood Little Italy that never fails to leave me with more than I arrived with. There are dozens of seemingly random words and phrases etched into the concrete. One phrase stood out among the rest: soar away.
Though I feel more inspired lately than I have in a long time, I’m still fumbling around trying to figure out where to focus that inspiration. I have all of these thoughts and feelings, but nowhere to put them. I know I want to write. I want to create. That dream has never left me. But what do I want to write anymore? What messages do I want to set out into the world?
It seems as though my life has been at a very long lasting crossroad. Sometimes I have the urge to drop everything, leave everybody, and go on my own journey – perhaps it is then I’ll discover what I want. But with that, comes doubt. I could lose a lot if I don’t do this in the right manner.
My mind contains no shortage of conflict. I want to be the spontaneous person who finds their way. Yet I also want to be the logical person who possesses a sense of safety and stability.
This conflict is with me every day. I can feel it begin to physically manifest itself. My chest will tighten for minutes at a time. My breathing is off. I feel an electricity racing through my body. And just as quickly as the feeling came, it is gone until later that day, where it will creep up once more. The cycle continues on.
I know that I am only 23 years old, and I have so much time to figure out my life. What’s the rush? Yet life is fleeting, and I often feel that I’m missing out. Perhaps J should soar away.
However, what I do know, is that writing these posts is a fantastic way to ease my mind for a bit – slowly discovering more about myself along the way. I’d like to thank this San Francisco sidewalk for being another source of inspiration.