Day 23. Aside from the occasional Zoom meeting with professors and classmates, the days have been blending together. Each time I take Benny for a walk, I now feel the warm, springtime weather as it makes its debut. The leaves and flowers are blooming. I’m seeing the sun for what is essentially the first time in months (these damn gray Parisian winters). This weather is so inviting – it’s practically sinful right now. Making confinement all the more difficult.
It seems that I’m the poster child of organized chaos. Along with my graduate school classes, I signed up for two extracurricular online classes that I discovered online. One being a Yale class entitled “The Science of Well-being” and another being a fashion course offered by the Institut Français de la Mode (IFM) in Paris. I’ve also made it a point to exercise a few times per week, independently study my French, write from time to time, organize my apartment, and video chat people back home. I’ve turned quarantine into a finely tuned regimen of activities. As the girl who (admittedly) RARELY leaves much time for.. well.. free time, it seems old habits die hard.
I’ve been smacked in the face. Hard. By a lesson that I’m always trying to outrun. I haven’t been sleeping. I regularly have terrible nightmares. On some nights, anxiety keeps me up until near sunrise. And these problems are bleeding into my daily life. Now anybody who knows me is aware that I enjoy structure. I like control. My routines are very important to me. Staying busy with goals and ambitions is my “normal.” However, I think it’s safe to say that everybody’s “normal” has been thrown all out of whack with the coronavirus situation. It’s been a major source of stress and anxiety for many of us. I’m no exception to that. My typical busy bee regimen seems to finally have reached a tipping point – it’s become too much.
In a time where I’ve felt myself losing control, I’ve clung onto things that I CAN control. I bombard myself with activities and entertainment as constant distractions. But lately, given everything going on, I’ve distracted myself to the point that I’ve begun repressing my own feelings. I haven’t taken time to reflect on my own thoughts and feelings. I’ve pushed them down. I can feel that something has been wrong. My body has been screaming out to me.
So I reached out to a therapist. Luckily, my school has a partnership with a couple different therapists in which we’re allotted a certain amount of free sessions. So why not give it a try? I’ve always valued mental health, and I think it’s becoming especially important with the current world climate. Today I met with a woman (via Skype), and we had a small 30 minute session. She asked me a little about myself and my general background. She asked what I’ve been doing while in quarantine, and how I’m coping. I told her everything that I’ve told you all. I shared how I occupy my time.
She listened to me speak quite attentively. Once I stopped, she sat there for a moment. It seemed she was reflecting on all that I said. Then she asked, “Do you ever just sit – without any sort of activity? Do you ever allow yourself some time with yourself and your thoughts?” I sat for a moment. No. No, I don’t allow plain, regular ‘ole free time. There is always something, even if it’s a Netflix show. Always something.
Something that sounds so blatantly obvious, well, smacked me in the face. I haven’t allowed myself much time for thinking or feeling. I’ve been so dutifully entertained that it’s been locked up – making its escape at night when I try to sleep. What a revelation!
In light of the quarantine, my own bad habits, coping mechanisms, and just all around being me, I’ve decided to take 15-30 minutes out of each day to sit and reflect. Perhaps even write down my reflections (which is often the point of this blog). I will acknowledge the things I am stressed about, or scared of. I will ask myself why these things bother me. I will ask what I can do to relieve some of these negative feelings. THEN I will reflect about the things that are currently making me happy. The things I am grateful for. The positive parts of my life.
For anybody currently struggling, I hope you’re able to draw inspiration from my own revelations. Organized chaos with a balance.
Travels And (espresso) Shots 